I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
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*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter