I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
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My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.