What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
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no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
my dad has had enough
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
How about daylight saves us for once
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.