Some guy asked me at the gym what I eat and I just said “idk whatever I want just in moderation” and he goes “oh.. I don’t eat anything for pleasure, I only eat to fuel my body” ok you definitely only asked me so you could say that but that’s cool psycho
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
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I don’t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work… There’s never any left when he comes home.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
*blows birthday candles
Candles: I don’t want anything serious
[open casket funeral]
woman (wailing): HE WAS A GOOD OPEN CASKET
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Two horses in a field.
One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.