I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
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Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.