What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
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[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
excuse me
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.