All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
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What my back needs
hmmm
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
first you must answer his riddles
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.