Date: *sees my guitar case* oh you play?
Me: i dabble *opens guitar case to reveal violin case*
Me: *opens violin case to reveal kazoo*
Date: actually i just remembered i’m married
I’ve easily spent 12% of my life chuckling at my own jokes and being grossed out by my own body. Also, I like random percentages.
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There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.