I’ve easily spent 12% of my life chuckling at my own jokes and being grossed out by my own body. Also, I like random percentages.

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Date: *sees my guitar case* oh you play?

Me: i dabble *opens guitar case to reveal violin case*

Date: um

Me: *opens violin case to reveal kazoo*

Date: actually i just remembered i’m married


There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.


“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children


Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.


“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.


Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me


If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.


If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you


My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.


The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.