the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
You Might Also Like
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Risking my life for fun.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Found my door mat