Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
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Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
this is the best day of my life
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I’m awake but I object,
*jazz hands*
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.