I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

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College parties are great: You’re taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.


My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?


Me: I remember when people could smoke in a restaurant

10yo: I remember when people could go to a restaurant


I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.


Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.


Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…


Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.


“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”


“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.