@Lakelandr

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

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@omgthatspunny

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

@Fred_Delicious

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

@Marlebean

No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

@behindyourback

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

@Mr_Kapowski

I have the body of a much older man

The morgue still doesn’t know he’s missing

@iamspacegirl

God *using a bear to dry his face*

Angel: OMG what are You doing?!

God *wrings it out and drops it on the ground* makin ferrets, calm down

@goodbeanalt

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

@adult_mom

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

@sara_ashlynn

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.