I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

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A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?


No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore


*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?


I have the body of a much older man

The morgue still doesn’t know he’s missing


God *using a bear to dry his face*

Angel: OMG what are You doing?!

God *wrings it out and drops it on the ground* makin ferrets, calm down


my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken


I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks


My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.