I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
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Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
…u ok Nintendo?
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up