My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
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When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time