I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

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how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands


me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp


Bob: Who is that?
Me:That’s Ted, he’s the opposite of a hypochondriac..
Ted’s arm falls off
Ted: Hey guys!
Bob: Holy shit!
Ted: What, I’m ok



Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!


Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.


ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.


You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.


Feed me pieces of baguette by the park bench like one of your French squirrels.


I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.