When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
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WARDEN: You have been sentenced to the Electric Cher
ME: in the what now
*a metallic voice sings out: ?? ??? ??????? ?? ???? ????? ????*
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Inventor: so a flying balloon
Me: i’m with you
Inventor: big flame over your head
Me: sounds good
Inventor: no steering
Inventor: *snorting coke* and you’re in a wicker basket
Me: i’m in
Oh hey, I see you touched your computer again.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
the opposite of a charles manson is a nicole kidman
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.