@RackOfSteel

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”

@seamussaid

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

@djdarrellripley

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

@daplusk

Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat

@TravLeBlanc

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

@MooseAllain

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

@GrantTanaka

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

@o__0Dev

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

@P_o_n_k

[Praying mantis funeral]

PRIEST: He died doing what he loved