I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
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People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.