how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
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me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Bob: Who is that?
Me:That’s Ted, he’s the opposite of a hypochondriac..
Ted’s arm falls off
Ted: Hey guys!
Bob: Holy shit!
Ted: What, I’m ok
Wife: Wait here.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.
*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
In hell, the thermostat is guarded by a bunch of dads.
Feed me pieces of baguette by the park bench like one of your French squirrels.
I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.