@RackOfSteel

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

You Might Also Like

@KeetPotato

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

@DanMentos

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

@ImaFlyontheWall

Bob: Who is that?
Me:That’s Ted, he’s the opposite of a hypochondriac..
Ted’s arm falls off
Ted: Hey guys!
Bob: Holy shit!
Ted: What, I’m ok

@UncleDuke1969

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

@FattMernandez

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

@DurtMcHurtt

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

@_Water_Baby

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

@MichaelGoffLA

Feed me pieces of baguette by the park bench like one of your French squirrels.

@RadOrDie

I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.