I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

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When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed


WARDEN: You have been sentenced to the Electric Cher
ME: in the what now
*a metallic voice sings out: ?? ??? ??????? ?? ???? ????? ????*


My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win


If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.


Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever


Inventor: so a flying balloon

Me: i’m with you

Inventor: big flame over your head

Me: sounds good

Inventor: no steering

Me: excellent

Inventor: *snorting coke* and you’re in a wicker basket

Me: i’m in


Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.