Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
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if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Her: I froze my eggs.
Me: ??? ??? ??????
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
[Praying mantis funeral]
PRIEST: He died doing what he loved