I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
pictures of spider-man
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.