@StainsQueen

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

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@molly7anne

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

@QwertyJones3

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

@iGreenMonk

It’s all about perspective.

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

@50NerdsofGrey

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

@dumbbeezie

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

@KyleMcDowell86

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

@Matt_The_1st

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

@GlennyRodge

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

@SortaBad

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?