“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

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DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that


I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.


It’s all about perspective.

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.


‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.


Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does


Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.


“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?


A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.


“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?