@aissalanis

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

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@_wangwe

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

@BlindChow

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

@k_umezinwa

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

@Bez

When someone texts “whatcha doin” after midnight the appropriate response is “someone else” even if you’re just eatin’ pizza all alone.

@scorpicpanda

I only watch French tv shows so my dogs think I’m more cultured than I actually am.

@dhumann

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

@envydatropic

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

@DanMentos

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

@PorkUrPine

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough