“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
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Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
What number SPF blocks people?
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.