@aissalanis

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

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@LostFelicia

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

@ElleOhHell

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

@jonnysun

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

@awkwardenabled

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

@skittle624

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

@FredTaming

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

@hilary_ann_

I don’t like it when restaurant servers ask “So what are you guys doing tonight?” because it makes me feel lame. THIS is what we’re doing, Kevin. Eating at Chili’s IS the event.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then