ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
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Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
The internet is magic sometimes.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw