I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

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Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?


One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.


Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately


Brad Pitt. While you’re helping the world, please feed your wife.


Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.


ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface


“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.


Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works


I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry