@SarahKanowski

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

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@david8hughes

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

@LurkAtHomeMom

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

@kidnapped_jesus

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

@MrPeeker

Brad Pitt. While you’re helping the world, please feed your wife.

@CryptoNature

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

@Holy_Mowgli

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

@UncleDuke1969

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

@LeahTiscione

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry