I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
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Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!