I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
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If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
They got Raph!
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.