to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
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Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow