I’ve finally reached the age where I can’t function without my glasses…especially if they’re empty.

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I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.


[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?


WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?


My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!


Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.


I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.


Ladies, if he tells you he’s 6 feet & 4 inches, be sure those aren’t two separate measurements.


Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.


Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years