@skitzoette

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

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@caithuls

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

@bea_ker

GUY POSING FOR THE SCREAM PAINTING: Are you done? Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: You look great
GUY: Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: No

@KSekouM

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

@ecorno2

You may be a good person deep down inside, but I don’t carry around a shovel

@Piecezilla

[Jogs to a halt in front of you minutes after a fire truck passes]That guy’s (panting) never gonna sell any fire (panting) driving that fast

@shutupmikeginn

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

@TigNotaro

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?