@CanadianCyn

I’ve found a diner. Or maybe it’s a house. Either way this little old lady is cooking me breakfast.

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@Tharin_P

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

@HomeProbably

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

@Reverend_Scott

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

@rickolantern

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

@frenchielaboozi

seems like you must have been preeeetty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s

@baronvonbike

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

@BallsMcBallski

The seventh rule of Fight Club is no one leaves until ALL the chairs are put away.

@ArfMeasures

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

@StrangerTings5

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.