I’ve found a diner. Or maybe it’s a house. Either way this little old lady is cooking me breakfast.

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You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.


I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.


Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.


Obama: Please just wave.



They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer


seems like you must have been preeeetty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s


I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.


The seventh rule of Fight Club is no one leaves until ALL the chairs are put away.


Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing


*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.