i’ve found my new favorite subculture
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I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
October already? What’s next? November????
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]