I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
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Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?