I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
You Might Also Like
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
How to properly lift a body
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad