@BradBroaddus

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

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@rpbateman

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

@PolhunterP

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

@funnyordie

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

@shamans_heal

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

@tchrquotes

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

@novicefather

*writes employment history on arm

*writes professional references on thigh

*writes email address on neck

*adds “resume” to resume

@dril

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

@nbadag

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

@wimpsicle

How you doin’ Jerusalem!
“WINE”
Here’s a new tric-
“MAKE WINE”
Please, I’ve been working very hard on my routi-
*dodges stone jars of water*