I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

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This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.


Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..


TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.


My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.


And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.


*writes employment history on arm

*writes professional references on thigh

*writes email address on neck

*adds “resume” to resume


Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .


okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith


How you doin’ Jerusalem!
Here’s a new tric-
Please, I’ve been working very hard on my routi-
*dodges stone jars of water*