@lloydrang

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

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@DanMentos

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

[at gym]

*spends 45 minutes untangling headphones
*drops phone, squats to pick it up

Phew! Good workout!

*leaves

@FeralCrone

4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said “People are a prototype” and I was too scared to ask what he meant.

@NippleAdam

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

@gingerfaced

I’ve been hitting “remind me later” for about the last 4 years on Adobe.

@samalmightysam

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

@notthat_1

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

@Book_Krazy

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.