I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
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The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg