I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
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[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes