@Bob_Janke

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

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@hello_saylor

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

@stephenjmolloy

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

@LEJ88

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

@SteveKoehler22

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

@Molly_Kats

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

@AJ_VanFossen

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

@RandomlyMJ

Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.

@MrSpoonicorn

don’t you just hate it when a zombie breaks into your home and starts doing their ironing right in front of the TV

@anerdonfire2

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get