I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
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Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs