The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
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Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
My parents both wear hearing-aids. And I think that’s why they’re still married…they never turn them on.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me: -dramatic pauses?
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still