I’m at my most nurturing when I’m plotting a way to drop my 12 yr old at school 3 days early.
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WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.