*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
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You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
what the
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.