@drinksmcgee

I’ve found the most Canadian coffee shop in all existence.

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@jakob_huber

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

@BoydPetrich

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

@jonnysun

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

@realHamOnWry

My parents both wear hearing-aids. And I think that’s why they’re still married…they never turn them on.

@FredTaming

Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses

Me:

Her:

Me: -dramatic pauses?

@vladchoc

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

@wolfpupy

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

@UncleDuke1969

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

@hoopnazi

getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community

@fro_vo

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still