@drinksmcgee

I’ve found the most Canadian coffee shop in all existence.

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@vanluvz1

I’m at my most nurturing when I’m plotting a way to drop my 12 yr old at school 3 days early.

@chuuew

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

@SondraDeeMe

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

@TheAlexNevil

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

@SwedishCanary

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

@ArfMeasures

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

@shanethevein

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

@DanMentos

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

@E_lok44

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

@daddydoubts

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.