[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
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Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
if Lindsay Lohan can call herself an artist, I can call myself a german shepherd
I always walk into Target with a pissed off look on my face. These people don’t need to know I’m here to buy waterfall scented candles.
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect