I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

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[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe


Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.



ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun


Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot


I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.


Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.


if Lindsay Lohan can call herself an artist, I can call myself a german shepherd


I always walk into Target with a pissed off look on my face. These people don’t need to know I’m here to buy waterfall scented candles.


[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift


toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect