I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
You Might Also Like
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
These aliens are taking forever.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.