I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
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Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.