I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
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I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Weirdos gonna weird.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it