I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

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I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”



[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible πŸ˜‰

date: yes πŸ˜‰

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked


My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.


I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.


They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.


[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY


I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.


my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses


[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted