@Cheeseboy22

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

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@torrami

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

@Tmoney68

Why “Trojan” condoms? Didn’t the Trojan horse burst open & thousands of little guys poured out? Less than stellar marketing.

@bad_as_you_want

My boss said , “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume

@Ygrene

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

@geekysteven

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

@momtribevibe

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

@KentWGraham

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

@Adam_Kingsnorth

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

@cottoncandaddy

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

@Dawn_M_

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.