Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
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I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Adam: This isnt so bad
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this
[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted