*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
You Might Also Like
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.