I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
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How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Finally!
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History