They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I’ve got 99 problems…
BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
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I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Jury: We’re hung
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I’d give these pigeons some bread but they’d probably just spend it on drugs.
Did you know your amazing human body actually drink lava!?!
Only once though…..
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.