@UncleDuke1969

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

You Might Also Like

@envydatropic

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

@dulcetry

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

@KattsDogma

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!

@OtherDanOBrien

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir

@jordan_stratton

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

@loribuckmajor

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

@primawesome

I’d give these pigeons some bread but they’d probably just spend it on drugs.

@BigPlanetEarth

Did you know your amazing human body actually drink lava!?!

Only once though…..

@Jake_the_God

My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.