I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
You Might Also Like
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
White Castle for the Win
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!