7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
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if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
If you really want to know how someone feels about you, try licking their face.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I’m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
I can tell if someone’s hot by looking at them
I want my marriage to be a forever one night stand, laughing and joking, beer drinking, dancing, pizza in bed kinda relationship.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*