@meganamram

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

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@TheAlexNevil

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

@psyzod

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

@better_off_dad

If you really want to know how someone feels about you, try licking their face.

@DurtMcHurtt

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

@TheAlexNevil

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

@SondraDeeMe

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

@iGreenMonk

I’m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

@samelpan

I can tell if someone’s hot by looking at them

@samalmightysam

I want my marriage to be a forever one night stand, laughing and joking, beer drinking, dancing, pizza in bed kinda relationship.