-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
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Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.