-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
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The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.