I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
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[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Every. Damn. Time.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]