@Pundamentalism

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

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@dad_on_my_feet

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

@psybermonkey

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

@SirEviscerate

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

@jwoodham

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

@rickygervais

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

@FauxFawx

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

@CarrieMayhem

Turn ons include impeccable spelling, proper use of grammar, affinity for board games, love of superheroes, and a huge…

library.

@woodmuffin

Why don’t they have a WHITE history month?? Why don’t they have NON-handicapped parking spaces? Why’s there no cemetery for ALIVE people??

@LindaInDisguise

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.