“I’ve got cat-like T-Rexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Tyrannosaurus pounces on you*

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If zombies attack I’m heading south, most of those people don’t have teeth.


So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.


The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.


[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible


“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.


I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.


Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!


Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.


I can always tell when someone is lying by tying them down and strapping them to a lie detector.


Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.