*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
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I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.