@doctorveritas

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

@DurtMcHurtt

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

@ManJuggs

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

@mom_ontherocks

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

@susafrican420

white ppl: omg lakeisha is such a ghetto name
white ppl: here comes my child daffodil ginseng blueberry yogurt

@realHamOnWry

Cat: Why are you looking at me?

Me: You’re acting strange.

Cat: Strange?

Me: Are you on drugs?

Cat: Drugs…you’re the one who thinks I’m talking.

@nbadag

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me