She: Don’t talk like that.
Me: With my thumbs?
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
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Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
white ppl: omg lakeisha is such a ghetto name
white ppl: here comes my child daffodil ginseng blueberry yogurt
Cat: Why are you looking at me?
Me: You’re acting strange.
Me: Are you on drugs?
Cat: Drugs…you’re the one who thinks I’m talking.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs
[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Bruce Lee on a rollercoaster: Bruce Wee.