“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
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[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
There, happy now? You c**ts.
[calls wife from store]
“Are you in more of a frolicking or jumping in the air mood? There’s so many tampon choices”
Me: My head is killing me
My brain: You’ve had zero water today, destroyed your liver last night, haven’t eaten much real food, and have finished almost an entire pot of coffee
Me: I think I’ll make more coffee. Then maybe a beer.