“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
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Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
consequences, the bane of my existence
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
lmao
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I already tried new things thanks.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird