@brennadine

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

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@Darlainky

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

@K49HAS_

“discuss your ideas with the person next to you”

me:

@CheetoBandito77

This lady cashier asked me if I wanted it “double bagged”…I said “No, you’re not THAT ugly…”

And that’s why I’m not allowed in Target.

@SuicideBooth1

[couples therapy]

Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…

Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…

@daemonic3

[drinks milk from carton]

WHY AREN’T YOU USING A GLASS?!?

“I went to the eye doctor”

What does that mean?

“He said I don’t need glasses”

@daemonic3

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

@matt_obrien

Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name “fire place”