I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
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PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Word.
~ Microsoft.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]