Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
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3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Why couldn’t the Mayans just make a calendar full of naked women like everybody else?
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Discussing Ferguson with friends
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.