I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
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”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Interior design 👌
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z