I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.