If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
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Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
My wife just texted “I’m too young to die” after they announced her United flight is overbooked.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Her: i think taking care of your teeth is super important.
Me: *nodding* i like having teeth because then i can always taste my skeleton.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D