@better_off_dad2

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

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@protolalia

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

@Prof_Hinkley

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

@OctopusCaveman

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

@ericsshadow

My wife just texted “I’m too young to die” after they announced her United flight is overbooked.

@RobinMcCauley

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

@captainkalvis

Her: i think taking care of your teeth is super important.

Me: *nodding* i like having teeth because then i can always taste my skeleton.

@UnfilteredMama

It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**

@jessokfine

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

@doritoburritho

[using ouija board]

Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed

H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D