I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
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me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.