I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
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[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time