What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
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Me: can I have that with no ice? [raises menu to hide mouth & whispers to date] people don’t realize u get more that way haha
Waiter: sir we dont put ice in soup
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I just walked in on two coworkers crying in a conference room and I was like, “mind if I join?”
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”