@CPajamaShark

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

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@ThisOneSayz

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

@TheBoydP

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

@sarcasm_inc

*pulls back your shower curtain*
What did you mean by “creepy”

@ExitThaWarrior

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

@MumInBits

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

@3sunzzz

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

@lilsmichelle

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

@CelebrityChez

I’ve found that it’s almost impossible to explain to a stranger why you are following them around trying to put egg rolls in their pockets.

@jordan_stratton

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.