I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
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Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
In Canada they just call them geese
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom